Tales of Adventure

When I was younger I would watch Lord of the Rings kind of obsessively. I loved the scenes when they would start their journey and travel across the vast lands, traveling into the unknown. The music would strike up and put this passion in me. I strived for that kind of adventure. That's why when we went to Hawaii and we were hiking through the forest and up mountains I was in heaven. I used to ride horses and sometimes I would imagine myself cantering away like Arwen in the scene when she's being chased by the Nazgûl. That's partly why I love reading fantasy books so much it's the closest I can get to going on an adventure. My dream is to travel to New Zealand and do as much as I can there. Hike, horseback, canoe, kayak, zip line, anything and everything. I want my adventure. One day. 

"Adventure is out there!" - UP 

Runaway

I just got back from a run. I love running but I haven't been able to for about 3 weeks now because my shin splints were acting up and then when they finally felt better I got strep. However, I am fully recovered and now I feel great. I really needed that run. Not only is the energy that I receive from running amazing, that adrenaline, runners high but it helps me clear my head. As a plus it's a great workout and I think that it is the main reason I've lost so much weight this summer. Prior to my injury and illness starting this summer I ran everyday for 30-40 minutes. Before that, at school, my best friend Erin and I would go to the gym but that was nothing compared to what I've been doing. I have pushed myself more than I ever thought I could. My speed has increased and more importantly my distance has increased. I'm not exactly sure how far I can go but it's roughly 3 miles. I know right!? Sooooo crazy that I can run that! I've never been more proud of myself. I'm actually losing weight too. And people are noticing! It's great. Seriously great. I don't necessarily see it when I look in the mirror because all I see is what I still have to lose but I feel amazing and that to me is something I've never felt. This is one change I'm making that I will not regret.

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

--William Faulkner

"Love the Life You Live"

I've discovered that I've always lived my life for those that I love. Whether it be so I don't disappoint them or to make them happy. Most of the decisions I've made in my life have been for others and the few that I've made for myself didn't get me very far. This is mainly because they were choices that I thought would make me happy but they turned out to be short lived. Not a long term happiness of fulfillment. I know that I have to start making decisions for myself but I don't know how. If I've only ever made choices to make others happy I don't know how to make myself happy. I'm good at taking things away from myself and restricting my own happiness for others but I'm not used to helping myself. It's my life though isn't it?

"Love the life you live, live the life you love" - Bob Marley

"It's better to regret something you did than to regret something that you didn't do" - Unknown

Long Time...No Post

Hello there. First off I would like to apologize for my long leave of absence. I have been incredibly...lost. I would say busy but that's not necessarily true. I could've been, I have plenty to do but I haven't really done much. Which is nice is some aspects because it's summer and I'm constantly doing something during the school year. My "journey" has gone over a small bump. Easily seen, difficult to fix.

I've been searching and reading quotes (one of my favorite hobbies) but all they've seemed to do lately was bring up more questions. For example:

"Don't lose the best thing in your life just because you are not sure" - Nicholas Cage ...Well how do you know if it's the best thing in your life or not?

"Have the courage to live, anyone can die?" - Robert Cody ...Where do we find the courage?

"Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson ...How can you be honest with yourself if you don't know what you're lying about?


It's disappointing to find out that the act you put on, that smile that you sometimes fake isn't getting past those that look after you. Those that love you. It's easy to think that you have everyone fooled, even yourself. As an actress I thought that it would be easy to fake happiness, it turns out that it's harder than it looks. You can just put on the smile and all of a sudden you're happy. And it seems that no matter what you do to try and make yourself happy nothing works because at the end of the day the smile fades and your left with memories. There's still that empty feeling sitting inside you. How do you fill it?

It's hard to admit it but I am lost. I feel like I'm falling. And I've been falling for a long time I didn't want to believe it so I ignored it. That made it worse. Now I'm stuck. I don't know which way to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The thing that hurts the most is that no one can help me with this. No worries, it's not that I don't have the help if I needed it, I have tons of support and love but this is my life and my decisions and I need to be the one to make them without the influence of others words. I need to be independent on this. It's not the mistakes that I'm worried about making. It's not the hurt that I'm afraid of. It's the fear that I won't find what I'm looking for. If I could I would just run away. That would be far too simple. I know that I'm stronger than that.

"It's not hard to fine the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it."

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess. Only one feat is possible, not to run away." - Dag Hammarskjold

I have one of the toughest challenges in life presented to me. I have to find out who I am and what I want. So again I say I'm lost.

If I'm lost then where am I?

This week has been filled with snow days! It has been awesome being able to catch up with everything and just take a breather. According to the groundhog though Spring is going to come early.


I'm still far more than lost in my current situation in life. Trying to figure out what you want to do in your life is so difficult! I'm at a crossroads and at this point I'm just sitting in the middle of the path, not choosing a way to go and not knowing at all which way I'm leaning towards. I see all of these friends in my life making choices and decisions and knowing exactly what they're going to do with their lives. I'm jealous of them. They seem so happy with their decisions and so excited for the future. I'm terrified of even making a decision in fear that I'll get it wrong or I'll regret it.


"Do you what will make you happy, do what you feel is right only but one thing matters, learn how to live your life." - Relient K, College Kids



I wish it was that easy



Like I stated in my first blog this is not about my whining this is about me starting over and changing my life so I'm doing something important

This is a picture that represents what I wish my life was 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3: 5-6


On a positive note this last weekend I participated in the Polar Bear Plunge. I raised money for Special Olympics. I raised a lot more than I anticipated and I am so grateful for that. On Saturday I walked into a freezing cold lake 28° (felt way worse than that!) It was incredibly worth it. For me walking into that water and slowly losing feeling in my legs as I moved deeper into the lake and then turning back towards the beach and falling face first in the water woke me up. It was a fresh start. I was so cold and I didn't enjoy it but after the fact I wish I could do it again and really soak up every minute. Replay the intense cold grasping my body. It was amazing. 

Roller-Coaster

Running into the abyss they travel, like ravenous wolves searching for their next victim

Scraping their way to the surface, hoping to throw off the balance that was once so easy

Simply put they hold their purpose and yet they choose to rebel at inconvenient times

Grateful that they take control with such force, there's no time for the true power to react

Fortunately for them, unfortunately for me I have not yet learned to be wise enough to silence their naive voice.

My decisions this week have been incredibly tough and like I said in my last post I realize that it is only going to get more and more difficult. I know that I need to make a decision and stick with it, but this is hard for me because I am so easily influenced by my friends and family advice. I have tried making pro/cons lists but they haven't helped yet. I know what I'm afraid of and that is basically the outcome, the unknown.

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." Raymond Lindquist

Tonight's workout was rough. I'm so grateful that I have Erin to stick it out with me. All of the articles I've read or the programs I've seen on TV that say it is easier to get in shape with a friend, with support...well they're right. I have also finally found my motivational words to help me keep going. Now I just need a song. Tonight, although it was extremely strenuous and tough, I felt like we accomplished a lot. I didn't do too hot on my "No List" for food but the workout, I believe, made up for it. I missed CRU tonight because I ended up working out later than expected and this made me sad but I really did turn to God tonight and he helped push me. I wanted to give up when running but I prayed and felt him and I finished out strong. I am proud of myself and thank Him for being with me. Yesterday, I went to a Bible Study for the first time in college and I enjoyed it a lot. Now it is time for because I am beyond exhausted from today. 

Goal for next week: I have found that I run away from a lot of things that scare me or messages/conversations that I don't know how to respond to. My goal for next week is to stop running away and confront the issues or fears upfront. I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of that I've been putting off because I never knew how to respond but that is childish and I'm ready to deal with it and move on.

"Sing...Be...Live...See...Peace..." Earth Song, Frank Ticheli

Decision Time

Today, and the past few days I've had a lot of thinking to do. More evaluating rather than thinking actually. Here is what I've come up with thus far: Why can't someone decide life-changing decisions for me? Then I could be mad at them if the decision was the wrong one and not beat myself up about a decision I made wrong. I know that if someone did decide things for me, if that's how life worked, I wouldn't be happy about it and I would probably complain about how I wish I could make my own choices. And yet I find myself wishing, wanting, hoping for some magical epiphany to come slap me in the face and show me exactly what it is I need to do. Being someone that has always, for as long as I can remember, known what she's want to do, I'm completely lost in this new territory of questioning my life and the choices I've made up to this point. I'm thrown off and it feels as if I've lost my ground and that scares me. Mainly because the unknown is always a frightening thing, but as I've stated, the fact that I have always had my life goals and dreams in order I've never had to worry about what I wanted to do. 


"The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose." - Thornton Wilder


I haven't yet decided how I'm going to handle this stage in my life. I know that I need to do some meditating on the pros and cons of all of my options, but there's my other dilemma; my options are so wide and varied I'm not sure where to even begin. This is going to be a difficult step in my journey, but that's the point. I'm grateful for the challenge, even if I can barely breathe when I start to think about any of it. I know that I will get through this and whatever happens...happens. Until I figure out what exactly my plan is, my life will be a frantic and miserable search to "find myself" for lack of a better cliché phrase. 


"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision." - Gary Collins


On another note, the first week at college, Spring Semester 2011 went well. I did great at my workout and truly began eating healthy. It was a great first week. For this long weekend I traveled home and that wasn't so helpful on my strict diet and exercise regimen, but once I go back to school I know I can handle it again.

Back To Normal

Well, I'm back at school. Classes start tomorrow and whereas I'm not too enthusiastic about that I'm excited to step into these new courses and learn some more. Most of them are general education courses but I am particularly excited about Introduction to Creative Writing. I cannot wait! 


Goal Number One: 120 day diet


I am technically on my 9th day of this because I started it on the 1st of January but the first week was backing off from everything bad. I knew that my being back at school would be a lot easier to fully start my diet because I will be able to workout and eat right because I am the one controlling it. I have created goals for myself for each week and I know that it will be tough but I have tried and tried to lose this weight and stay healthy. I have always failed though. This time is different I have the motivation and willpower to do this. I also have the support,  my friend Erin and I began working out last semester and her energy pushed me to do more each time. This week is to start my "No List" meaning that I will not eat anything on that list and I shall begin working out again. I can't wait to start running, once more being able to feel the strength building with each step I take. I love it! This shall be an incredibly tough week though I believe I am prepared for the challenge. 


"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th" - Julie Andrews

Day One...On Day Six

Life is one big journey right? Finding yourself, searching for the meanings or just trying to get through the daily tasks. Whatever discourages or motivates your life, being alive isn't easy and it's a great mysterious and complex adventure that we are all dealing with, whether we recognize that fact or not.


The point of this blog is not for me to complain or whine about how much my life sucks. No, this will not be a repeat of my "Xanga" days. This blog has a purpose and I will be sticking to that. The new year has brought a change in perspective to my life and current situation. I'm in search of finding out what my purpose is. Sounds cliché right?  I don't mind that. I might sound like an "emo" teen "searching for herself" and so what if that's the case? I'm not running away from the person I am now, nope. I will be facing her head-on and discarding her. Complete difference.


Unfortunately, on my journey I can't do what I've always dreamed of. I won't be able to travel to New Zealand, get captured by Orcs and have a strong power building inside me as I work against my own complexes while trying to destroy a magical ring and save Middle Earth. I've yet to be invited to a Magical Wizarding School somewhere in England. I don't have an alien inside my head controlling my body and as far as I'm aware Vampires (although they maybe attractive and charming with that bad-boy edge) still kill people because that's how they live and they are evil, not romantic or sparkly. I haven't gone through a divorce, I'm too young and far too poor to go on a life changing journey to Italy, India and Indonesia. Nope, as much as I desperately wish at 11:11 for all the stories I read to be my life, my adventure to find myself will have to be a lot less theatrical and mythical.


I know that for me to grow and change during my adventure I need to stay motivated, organized and focused. I've set my goals and I'm ready to achieve them. I want to become a dynamic character in the story of my life before it's too late and I regret the choices I've made.


"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it" --W.M.Lewis