Poem

Broken Awareness

f I sit in thought

I’ll think of you
And who am I
To have such thoughts
That keep me restless in my bed
I wish to sleep,
To escape the images
A dream too sweet
Too kind to be reality

The universe strikes me
A force of unknown significance
I need to get away
Running will not solve it
And yet it could distract enough
To be in a right mind
For a day or two
To rest, to be calm and collected
To forget about you

And if the bell tolls twice
Who would stop to notice?
Would the gong pass between their ears,
Hang in the air completely unnoticed
With nowhere to travel?
Would it be carried off
Into the symphony that is the world?

Transformation

"I lived to write and wrote to live" -- Samuel Rodgers

I have transformed this blog into a place where I can submit the writing that I've been working. I wanted to have a new post about it, mainly for the purpose of separating my old blog about my life to my new blog purely about my writing. I'm an English major and a reporter for the yearbook at my school. Basically I'm saying that I write and reading..constantly. Academically and recreationally. I love writing and reading, they are my life. They feed my soul.
I write a little bit of everything. Obviously for school I write papers, essays, project, literary analysis's and critiques. For work I write journalistic stories and some blurbs. For myself I write poetry, non-fiction and fiction short stories and I'm currently working on a novel -- I'll explain about that in later entry. I try and explore all different types of literature and am constantly pursuing challenges within my writing, reading and observing, always striving to grow.

Tales of Adventure

When I was younger I would watch Lord of the Rings kind of obsessively. I loved the scenes when they would start their journey and travel across the vast lands, traveling into the unknown. The music would strike up and put this passion in me. I strived for that kind of adventure. That's why when we went to Hawaii and we were hiking through the forest and up mountains I was in heaven. I used to ride horses and sometimes I would imagine myself cantering away like Arwen in the scene when she's being chased by the Nazgûl. That's partly why I love reading fantasy books so much it's the closest I can get to going on an adventure. My dream is to travel to New Zealand and do as much as I can there. Hike, horseback, canoe, kayak, zip line, anything and everything. I want my adventure. One day. 

"Adventure is out there!" - UP 

Runaway

I just got back from a run. I love running but I haven't been able to for about 3 weeks now because my shin splints were acting up and then when they finally felt better I got strep. However, I am fully recovered and now I feel great. I really needed that run. Not only is the energy that I receive from running amazing, that adrenaline, runners high but it helps me clear my head. As a plus it's a great workout and I think that it is the main reason I've lost so much weight this summer. Prior to my injury and illness starting this summer I ran everyday for 30-40 minutes. Before that, at school, my best friend Erin and I would go to the gym but that was nothing compared to what I've been doing. I have pushed myself more than I ever thought I could. My speed has increased and more importantly my distance has increased. I'm not exactly sure how far I can go but it's roughly 3 miles. I know right!? Sooooo crazy that I can run that! I've never been more proud of myself. I'm actually losing weight too. And people are noticing! It's great. Seriously great. I don't necessarily see it when I look in the mirror because all I see is what I still have to lose but I feel amazing and that to me is something I've never felt. This is one change I'm making that I will not regret.

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

--William Faulkner

"Love the Life You Live"

I've discovered that I've always lived my life for those that I love. Whether it be so I don't disappoint them or to make them happy. Most of the decisions I've made in my life have been for others and the few that I've made for myself didn't get me very far. This is mainly because they were choices that I thought would make me happy but they turned out to be short lived. Not a long term happiness of fulfillment. I know that I have to start making decisions for myself but I don't know how. If I've only ever made choices to make others happy I don't know how to make myself happy. I'm good at taking things away from myself and restricting my own happiness for others but I'm not used to helping myself. It's my life though isn't it?

"Love the life you live, live the life you love" - Bob Marley

"It's better to regret something you did than to regret something that you didn't do" - Unknown

Long Time...No Post

Hello there. First off I would like to apologize for my long leave of absence. I have been incredibly...lost. I would say busy but that's not necessarily true. I could've been, I have plenty to do but I haven't really done much. Which is nice is some aspects because it's summer and I'm constantly doing something during the school year. My "journey" has gone over a small bump. Easily seen, difficult to fix.

I've been searching and reading quotes (one of my favorite hobbies) but all they've seemed to do lately was bring up more questions. For example:

"Don't lose the best thing in your life just because you are not sure" - Nicholas Cage ...Well how do you know if it's the best thing in your life or not?

"Have the courage to live, anyone can die?" - Robert Cody ...Where do we find the courage?

"Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson ...How can you be honest with yourself if you don't know what you're lying about?


It's disappointing to find out that the act you put on, that smile that you sometimes fake isn't getting past those that look after you. Those that love you. It's easy to think that you have everyone fooled, even yourself. As an actress I thought that it would be easy to fake happiness, it turns out that it's harder than it looks. You can just put on the smile and all of a sudden you're happy. And it seems that no matter what you do to try and make yourself happy nothing works because at the end of the day the smile fades and your left with memories. There's still that empty feeling sitting inside you. How do you fill it?

It's hard to admit it but I am lost. I feel like I'm falling. And I've been falling for a long time I didn't want to believe it so I ignored it. That made it worse. Now I'm stuck. I don't know which way to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The thing that hurts the most is that no one can help me with this. No worries, it's not that I don't have the help if I needed it, I have tons of support and love but this is my life and my decisions and I need to be the one to make them without the influence of others words. I need to be independent on this. It's not the mistakes that I'm worried about making. It's not the hurt that I'm afraid of. It's the fear that I won't find what I'm looking for. If I could I would just run away. That would be far too simple. I know that I'm stronger than that.

"It's not hard to fine the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it."

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess. Only one feat is possible, not to run away." - Dag Hammarskjold

I have one of the toughest challenges in life presented to me. I have to find out who I am and what I want. So again I say I'm lost.

If I'm lost then where am I?

This week has been filled with snow days! It has been awesome being able to catch up with everything and just take a breather. According to the groundhog though Spring is going to come early.


I'm still far more than lost in my current situation in life. Trying to figure out what you want to do in your life is so difficult! I'm at a crossroads and at this point I'm just sitting in the middle of the path, not choosing a way to go and not knowing at all which way I'm leaning towards. I see all of these friends in my life making choices and decisions and knowing exactly what they're going to do with their lives. I'm jealous of them. They seem so happy with their decisions and so excited for the future. I'm terrified of even making a decision in fear that I'll get it wrong or I'll regret it.


"Do you what will make you happy, do what you feel is right only but one thing matters, learn how to live your life." - Relient K, College Kids



I wish it was that easy



Like I stated in my first blog this is not about my whining this is about me starting over and changing my life so I'm doing something important

This is a picture that represents what I wish my life was 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." - Proverbs 3: 5-6


On a positive note this last weekend I participated in the Polar Bear Plunge. I raised money for Special Olympics. I raised a lot more than I anticipated and I am so grateful for that. On Saturday I walked into a freezing cold lake 28° (felt way worse than that!) It was incredibly worth it. For me walking into that water and slowly losing feeling in my legs as I moved deeper into the lake and then turning back towards the beach and falling face first in the water woke me up. It was a fresh start. I was so cold and I didn't enjoy it but after the fact I wish I could do it again and really soak up every minute. Replay the intense cold grasping my body. It was amazing.