Roller-Coaster

Running into the abyss they travel, like ravenous wolves searching for their next victim

Scraping their way to the surface, hoping to throw off the balance that was once so easy

Simply put they hold their purpose and yet they choose to rebel at inconvenient times

Grateful that they take control with such force, there's no time for the true power to react

Fortunately for them, unfortunately for me I have not yet learned to be wise enough to silence their naive voice.

My decisions this week have been incredibly tough and like I said in my last post I realize that it is only going to get more and more difficult. I know that I need to make a decision and stick with it, but this is hard for me because I am so easily influenced by my friends and family advice. I have tried making pro/cons lists but they haven't helped yet. I know what I'm afraid of and that is basically the outcome, the unknown.

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar." Raymond Lindquist

Tonight's workout was rough. I'm so grateful that I have Erin to stick it out with me. All of the articles I've read or the programs I've seen on TV that say it is easier to get in shape with a friend, with support...well they're right. I have also finally found my motivational words to help me keep going. Now I just need a song. Tonight, although it was extremely strenuous and tough, I felt like we accomplished a lot. I didn't do too hot on my "No List" for food but the workout, I believe, made up for it. I missed CRU tonight because I ended up working out later than expected and this made me sad but I really did turn to God tonight and he helped push me. I wanted to give up when running but I prayed and felt him and I finished out strong. I am proud of myself and thank Him for being with me. Yesterday, I went to a Bible Study for the first time in college and I enjoyed it a lot. Now it is time for because I am beyond exhausted from today. 

Goal for next week: I have found that I run away from a lot of things that scare me or messages/conversations that I don't know how to respond to. My goal for next week is to stop running away and confront the issues or fears upfront. I have a lot of unfinished business to take care of that I've been putting off because I never knew how to respond but that is childish and I'm ready to deal with it and move on.

"Sing...Be...Live...See...Peace..." Earth Song, Frank Ticheli

Decision Time

Today, and the past few days I've had a lot of thinking to do. More evaluating rather than thinking actually. Here is what I've come up with thus far: Why can't someone decide life-changing decisions for me? Then I could be mad at them if the decision was the wrong one and not beat myself up about a decision I made wrong. I know that if someone did decide things for me, if that's how life worked, I wouldn't be happy about it and I would probably complain about how I wish I could make my own choices. And yet I find myself wishing, wanting, hoping for some magical epiphany to come slap me in the face and show me exactly what it is I need to do. Being someone that has always, for as long as I can remember, known what she's want to do, I'm completely lost in this new territory of questioning my life and the choices I've made up to this point. I'm thrown off and it feels as if I've lost my ground and that scares me. Mainly because the unknown is always a frightening thing, but as I've stated, the fact that I have always had my life goals and dreams in order I've never had to worry about what I wanted to do. 


"The more decisions that you are forced to make alone, the more you are aware of your freedom to choose." - Thornton Wilder


I haven't yet decided how I'm going to handle this stage in my life. I know that I need to do some meditating on the pros and cons of all of my options, but there's my other dilemma; my options are so wide and varied I'm not sure where to even begin. This is going to be a difficult step in my journey, but that's the point. I'm grateful for the challenge, even if I can barely breathe when I start to think about any of it. I know that I will get through this and whatever happens...happens. Until I figure out what exactly my plan is, my life will be a frantic and miserable search to "find myself" for lack of a better cliché phrase. 


"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision." - Gary Collins


On another note, the first week at college, Spring Semester 2011 went well. I did great at my workout and truly began eating healthy. It was a great first week. For this long weekend I traveled home and that wasn't so helpful on my strict diet and exercise regimen, but once I go back to school I know I can handle it again.

Back To Normal

Well, I'm back at school. Classes start tomorrow and whereas I'm not too enthusiastic about that I'm excited to step into these new courses and learn some more. Most of them are general education courses but I am particularly excited about Introduction to Creative Writing. I cannot wait! 


Goal Number One: 120 day diet


I am technically on my 9th day of this because I started it on the 1st of January but the first week was backing off from everything bad. I knew that my being back at school would be a lot easier to fully start my diet because I will be able to workout and eat right because I am the one controlling it. I have created goals for myself for each week and I know that it will be tough but I have tried and tried to lose this weight and stay healthy. I have always failed though. This time is different I have the motivation and willpower to do this. I also have the support,  my friend Erin and I began working out last semester and her energy pushed me to do more each time. This week is to start my "No List" meaning that I will not eat anything on that list and I shall begin working out again. I can't wait to start running, once more being able to feel the strength building with each step I take. I love it! This shall be an incredibly tough week though I believe I am prepared for the challenge. 


"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th" - Julie Andrews

Day One...On Day Six

Life is one big journey right? Finding yourself, searching for the meanings or just trying to get through the daily tasks. Whatever discourages or motivates your life, being alive isn't easy and it's a great mysterious and complex adventure that we are all dealing with, whether we recognize that fact or not.


The point of this blog is not for me to complain or whine about how much my life sucks. No, this will not be a repeat of my "Xanga" days. This blog has a purpose and I will be sticking to that. The new year has brought a change in perspective to my life and current situation. I'm in search of finding out what my purpose is. Sounds cliché right?  I don't mind that. I might sound like an "emo" teen "searching for herself" and so what if that's the case? I'm not running away from the person I am now, nope. I will be facing her head-on and discarding her. Complete difference.


Unfortunately, on my journey I can't do what I've always dreamed of. I won't be able to travel to New Zealand, get captured by Orcs and have a strong power building inside me as I work against my own complexes while trying to destroy a magical ring and save Middle Earth. I've yet to be invited to a Magical Wizarding School somewhere in England. I don't have an alien inside my head controlling my body and as far as I'm aware Vampires (although they maybe attractive and charming with that bad-boy edge) still kill people because that's how they live and they are evil, not romantic or sparkly. I haven't gone through a divorce, I'm too young and far too poor to go on a life changing journey to Italy, India and Indonesia. Nope, as much as I desperately wish at 11:11 for all the stories I read to be my life, my adventure to find myself will have to be a lot less theatrical and mythical.


I know that for me to grow and change during my adventure I need to stay motivated, organized and focused. I've set my goals and I'm ready to achieve them. I want to become a dynamic character in the story of my life before it's too late and I regret the choices I've made.


"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it" --W.M.Lewis