Runaway

I just got back from a run. I love running but I haven't been able to for about 3 weeks now because my shin splints were acting up and then when they finally felt better I got strep. However, I am fully recovered and now I feel great. I really needed that run. Not only is the energy that I receive from running amazing, that adrenaline, runners high but it helps me clear my head. As a plus it's a great workout and I think that it is the main reason I've lost so much weight this summer. Prior to my injury and illness starting this summer I ran everyday for 30-40 minutes. Before that, at school, my best friend Erin and I would go to the gym but that was nothing compared to what I've been doing. I have pushed myself more than I ever thought I could. My speed has increased and more importantly my distance has increased. I'm not exactly sure how far I can go but it's roughly 3 miles. I know right!? Sooooo crazy that I can run that! I've never been more proud of myself. I'm actually losing weight too. And people are noticing! It's great. Seriously great. I don't necessarily see it when I look in the mirror because all I see is what I still have to lose but I feel amazing and that to me is something I've never felt. This is one change I'm making that I will not regret.

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself."

--William Faulkner

"Love the Life You Live"

I've discovered that I've always lived my life for those that I love. Whether it be so I don't disappoint them or to make them happy. Most of the decisions I've made in my life have been for others and the few that I've made for myself didn't get me very far. This is mainly because they were choices that I thought would make me happy but they turned out to be short lived. Not a long term happiness of fulfillment. I know that I have to start making decisions for myself but I don't know how. If I've only ever made choices to make others happy I don't know how to make myself happy. I'm good at taking things away from myself and restricting my own happiness for others but I'm not used to helping myself. It's my life though isn't it?

"Love the life you live, live the life you love" - Bob Marley

"It's better to regret something you did than to regret something that you didn't do" - Unknown

Long Time...No Post

Hello there. First off I would like to apologize for my long leave of absence. I have been incredibly...lost. I would say busy but that's not necessarily true. I could've been, I have plenty to do but I haven't really done much. Which is nice is some aspects because it's summer and I'm constantly doing something during the school year. My "journey" has gone over a small bump. Easily seen, difficult to fix.

I've been searching and reading quotes (one of my favorite hobbies) but all they've seemed to do lately was bring up more questions. For example:

"Don't lose the best thing in your life just because you are not sure" - Nicholas Cage ...Well how do you know if it's the best thing in your life or not?

"Have the courage to live, anyone can die?" - Robert Cody ...Where do we find the courage?

"Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." - Walter Anderson ...How can you be honest with yourself if you don't know what you're lying about?


It's disappointing to find out that the act you put on, that smile that you sometimes fake isn't getting past those that look after you. Those that love you. It's easy to think that you have everyone fooled, even yourself. As an actress I thought that it would be easy to fake happiness, it turns out that it's harder than it looks. You can just put on the smile and all of a sudden you're happy. And it seems that no matter what you do to try and make yourself happy nothing works because at the end of the day the smile fades and your left with memories. There's still that empty feeling sitting inside you. How do you fill it?

It's hard to admit it but I am lost. I feel like I'm falling. And I've been falling for a long time I didn't want to believe it so I ignored it. That made it worse. Now I'm stuck. I don't know which way to go. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The thing that hurts the most is that no one can help me with this. No worries, it's not that I don't have the help if I needed it, I have tons of support and love but this is my life and my decisions and I need to be the one to make them without the influence of others words. I need to be independent on this. It's not the mistakes that I'm worried about making. It's not the hurt that I'm afraid of. It's the fear that I won't find what I'm looking for. If I could I would just run away. That would be far too simple. I know that I'm stronger than that.

"It's not hard to fine the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it."

"Life only demands from you the strength that you possess. Only one feat is possible, not to run away." - Dag Hammarskjold

I have one of the toughest challenges in life presented to me. I have to find out who I am and what I want. So again I say I'm lost.

If I'm lost then where am I?